


For The Moments I Feel Faint

by aintitfun



Series: THE QUIET [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Minor Violence, Neurodiversity, Panic Attacks, Religious Guilt, Stimming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:31:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5802658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintitfun/pseuds/aintitfun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Mom? I think… there’s something wrong with me.” Josh stuffed his hands in his pockets, fighting the urge to twitch. </p><p>or</p><p>the one where josh and halsey are roommates and she figures it out before he does</p>
            </blockquote>





	For The Moments I Feel Faint

**Author's Note:**

> TW:anxiety, panic attacks, mild violence, swearing, suggested verbal abuse
> 
> If you're triggered by any of these things, please go read something fluffy instead :)

_“Fucking spaz” The words were spat at him along with a string of phlegm from the senior’s mouth. Josh sighed as he struggled with his locker combination. His hands were shaking too much to properly twist the knob and he was getting steadily more frustrated. “Jesus, he can’t even open up his fucking locker.” The senior and his group of friends laughed at his struggle. “Do you need your mommy to help you, Joshie?” The older man teased._

 

_Josh decided that he’d had enough. He discarded his half open book bag on the floor in front of him and launched his elbow into the jeering upperclassman. The senior was taken completely by surprise as he felt the sharp joint in his gut. Josh turned around and quickly kneed him in the balls, causing him to fall down. He landed one punch square to the older boy’s jaw. “I’m not! a fucking! SPAZ!” He accentuated each word with another blow to the senior’s face. HIs friends had long stopped laughing and just stared in amazement as the scene unfolded in front of them. The senior was curled up in a ball, holding his bleeding nose, when Josh realized what he had done._

 

_He quickly grabbed his bag and sprinted for the front doors, cursing to himself along the way._

————

“Hey Josh, are you feeling okay today?” He shook himself from his memory to catch his roommate’s sympathetic look. “You’ve been pretty out of it since we sat down for lunch.” Ashley gestured to their meager fries and chicken nuggets from the mall food court.

 

Josh rubbed his face, trying to take in his surroundings. He hated it when this happened. “Yeah, sorry. Just tired I guess.”

 

“Is this about last night?” Josh groaned, recalling the events of his failed attempt at dinner. He had completely burned a frozen pizza, forcing them to order out and him having to suffer through multiple “It’s delivery, not Digiorno” jokes for the rest of the night. “Because I told you it’s totally fine. I can grab a new pan on my way home.” Ashley reached for his arm and he quickly retreated to put his hands in his lap.

 

“No, Ash. I told you, I’m just tired, okay?” He avoided her eyes, unable to handle the underlying hurt that she was bound to be feeling. “Look, I need to get back to work anyway. I’ll see you back at home.” Josh cringed at the sound of the scraping chair as he quickly made his way back to the record store.

 

Josh didn’t hate working, in fact he actually really enjoyed it. What he didn’t like were the lulls of nothing during the week. It gave him too much time to think. No matter how many Green Day albums he played on the store speakers, he couldn’t make it loud enough to permeate his thoughts.

 

He was constantly daydreaming, at work, in the car, in the shower, whenever. It’s just something he’s always done, but lately it was… distracting. He seemed to be forgetting things more often and having trouble concentrating in general. It reminded him of his high school days, which is something he’d much rather forget.

 

“Dun, I get that we’re slow right now, but I really don’t need you tapping out the beat to every single song that comes on the player. That’s a cash register, not a drum kit.” His boss, Joe, tapped on the counter with his pen. “Did you even hear me, kid?”

 

Josh blinked, not realizing he had missed everything his boss has said after “I get we’re slow”. “Um, sorry?”

 

Joe shook his head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but I need you to stay focused.”

 

Josh shoved his hand in his back pocket, the urge to twitch coming on strong. “I’m sorry Joe. I guess I’m just kind of tired.”

 

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off. I don’t think we’re gonna get a rush any time soon and Brendon comes in soon anyway.” Joe gave him a pat on the back as Josh began to clock out.

 

He wasn’t really happy about leaving work, but he knew that Joe was right. Something was really off.

 

———

 

_“Mom? I think… there’s something wrong with me.” Josh stuffed his hands in his pockets, fighting the urge to twitch._

 

_“There’s nothing wrong with you sweetheart. God made you perfectly, just the way you’re meant to be.” His mom stated, not looking up from her cooking._

 

_Josh squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breathe. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. “B-but the kids at school call me a spaz and the teachers get mad because i’m moving around all the time and I forget to do my homework and I get the twist in my gut every time I-“_

 

_“Joshua,” His mother cut off his rambling. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to apply yourself more and pray that things will get better with your schoolmates.”_

 

_“But mom, I am trying! I’m trying so hard and… and no one even…” He felt the twisting in his gut begin and he couldn’t hold off any longer. He pulled his hands from his pockets and began flapping them back and forth._

 

_“JOSHUA!” His mother yelled, “What did I tell you about that? Hmm?” She continued in an eerily calm voice._

 

_Josh knew the “rules”, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “I c-can’t mom. I just… it’s too much.” He felt the room spin as he began to hyperventilate. “P-please j-just listen to m-me?” He begged through ragged breaths._

 

_His mother crossed her arms and stared him down as he struggled to calm himself down. “Go to your room. I hate it when you behave this way.”_

 

_Josh looked at her with pleading eyes. “M-mom, please?”_

 

_She rubbed her temple with her forefinger. “I said… GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Her voice boomed throughout the kitchen causing Josh to flee to his bedroom in fear._

 

_He rocked back and forth on the foot of his bed, hands shoved under his thighs. “Never underestimate my Jesus.” He hummed to himself, trying his best to relax. “You’re telling me that there’s no hope. I’m telling you you’re w-wrong.” He choked on the last few words, ignoring the steady flow of tears that feel from his face._

 

———

 

“Maybe I should take care of cooking for a little while.” Ashley commented as she tended to Josh’s swollen fingers. He had absentmindedly reached for the pan in the oven without a mitt and was currently suffering from, what he assumed were, third degree burns. Being the stubborn guy that he was, he refused to go to the hospital and had Ashley look at it instead.

 

“It was an accident. I just wasn’t paying attention. It was stupid.” He said gruffly. “I’m stupid.” He muttered under his breath.

 

That wasn’t the first time Ashley had heard the 26 year old say things like this to himself. She had known him for about two years and they had been living together as roommates for six months, but she had never witnessed him being this clumsy and all over the place before. She knew something was wrong. “Josh, can I ask you something?” She gently placed his hands back in his lap.

 

“I guess.” He mumbled as he examined his sore fingers.

 

“Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?” His head snapped up at the question, alarmingly so. “It’s not an accusation or anything, I was just wondering, because-“

 

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” He spoke through gritted teeth.

 

Ashley spoke hesitantly. “I’m just worried about you, Josh. You know that I was diagnosed as bipolar awhile ago. Before my diagnosis and the medication, I was all over the place. I was angry when anyone would even suggest that there might be-“

 

“I SAID THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!” Josh yelled as he balled up his fists.

 

“Okay. I understand if the thought scares you.” She reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder and he flinched. “Josh?” She furrowed her brow, confused by his reaction.

 

“I’m f-fine.” He stood up suddenly. “J-just leave me alone, okay?”

 

“Okay, I can do that if you-“

 

“Okay? Okay? Okay?” Josh repeated his question, not waiting for an answer as he began to flap his hands. “Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT.” He reached for the counter to steady himself as the familiar twist in his gut began. “FUCK.” He had forgotten about his bruised fingertips. He felt tears sting his eyes as his drew in uneven breaths. He never wanted her to see him like this. No one was supposed to see him like this.

 

Ashley jumped up, immediately recognizing the signs of a panic attack. “Let’s sit you down on the couch, okay? Do you think you can make it over there?” Josh nodded, letting himself be lead to the threadbare seat. “I need you to breathe with me, okay? We’re going to take deep breaths for 5 seconds at a time, alright?” She gently placed one of his hands on her chest so that he could feel the rise and fall of her chest and match it with his own.

 

After a short while, Ashley managed to get the older man to calm down. She stroked his cotton candy blue hair as he hummed under his breath. “We’re gonna need to redye your hair again, sweetheart.”

 

Josh smiled as he leaned into her touch. “Was thinking of doing pink next time.”

 

Ashley laughed and placed a small kiss on his forehead. “That would be cute.”

 

———

 

After battling with his health insurance provider (and his own internal struggle), Josh finally saw someone and was diagnosed with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. It felt good to have a name for the things that had plagued him since he was a child. He was growing accustomed to the medication, but Ashley helped him out with it as best she could. About two weeks after he had started his meds, she presented him with a small gift. “I think this will help with your anxiety. You don’t have to carry it around if you don’t want to though.”Josh just gave the small toy a puzzled look, until she began to explain. “It’s called a tangle toy. It’s a stimming toy, y’know like the thing that you do with your hands?” She gently mimed the flapping and he nodded, his mouth forming a small “oh”. “I think it might help you calm down if you’ve got something in your hands to mess around with, but like I said, you don’t have to carry it around.”

 

Josh tucked the small toy in his pocket and pulled her in for a tight hug. “Thanks Ash, for… everything.”

 

She smiled as she rested her chin on his shoulder. “That’s what friends are for silly.” She pushed him away jokingly. “Now go get dressed or you’ll be late for work.”

 

“Shit, you’re right. What would I do without you?” He singsonged on the way to his bedroom.

 

He was doing better, but he still had a way to go. He sang quietly to himself as he pulled out his clothes. “Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands.”

**Author's Note:**

> again, this was longer than I intended it to be. I have another chapter planned for Josh's story and a few more other things to tie everything together. Please let me know if i should tag anything else! Also, please let me know if this sucks (seriously, I haven't written in so long)
> 
> Lyrics and Work Title from the song by Relient K  
> Chapter Title from the song by Relient K


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